On personal duality
My “Blue” post the other day elicited a couple unsavory anon responses and was met mostly with a deafening silence from the usual habitual post likers. It’s interesting to think that what I thought would be potentially offensive in that post (using the word cunt) turned out not to be a non issue (as far as I know), but was rather my perceived (hell…perhaps it’s real) insensitivity towards Tourettes.
I’ve been trying to figure out how best to approach this. I could talk about how I know and have known so many people and kids “on the spectrum” and how that plays out in my life. I could say I come from a place where I think everyone is fucked up and/or broken in some way. While I am the poster child for privilege (except maybe my trailer trash up bringing), I’m always the first to point fun at my own crap (psychologically, physically, socially) and believe humor is one of the few vehicles that allow us to talk about the really hard stuff (the school of Jon Stewart, Chirs Rock, Trey Parker and Matt Stone, Lewis CK, Seth MacFarlane and Lenny Bruce). I could say that blogging and social media itself can be a vehicle for Tourette-like behavior. Like my post , we sometimes just throw unfiltered stuff out there into the ether without thought or will and the world recoils, responding to us negatively…this shit is all so very meta.
I could go into all those things, but this is what I really want to say…
For me, one of the hardest parts of blogging since I started this thing (almost a year ago) is not allowing my audience to define -influence perhaps, but not define - my writing, my ideas and to a certain extent my self perception. My goal in starting dbd - specifically as a parent blog - was to have a place in my life where I (ironically) didn’t have to be singularly defined as a parent. A place to not only document my life with Finn, but explore what it’s like to be me as a man/adult vis-a-vis being a single dad. Through dbd, I aimed to take risks, sometimes be provocative and challenge people’s assumptions, but ultimately have a place to authentically explore being this multifaceted person through the lens of parenthood.
What I’m finding - or rather what is being verified - is that personal duality is really hard for our culture to understand, process and accept. The idea that someone can embrace - with integrity and sanity - seemingly contradictory personas in their identity is the source of so much backlash and banishment in our society. This is particularly true online when people can operate without real life recourse with near ubiquitous anonymity. Just ask #titsoutforaimee.
The gist of the anon messages I received is that I was using Tourettes as fodder to make a joke and how disrespectful that was (I will respond to that shortly). What I read into the messages and those from previous posts is the question: How can I be both this guy that intensely and emotionally talks about the love he has for his son, and at the same time be so crass and profane? To take it further, I’ve also been accused of being a closet case; because how can this guy who has donor kids with lesbians and who is pretty in touch with his feminine side not be gay? The questions keep going: How can you go to church and poke fun at religious beliefs? You say you want a relationship, but you are not in one? How can you say you are respectful of women when you can be such a perv sometimes? How can you be so righteous at times, even though you are obviously flawed?
We are all flawed in someway. And from my perspective, embracing this personal duality allows us to “live the questions” as Rilke put it. Rather than denying ourselves the opportunity to learn and grow by holding onto a single concept/definition of who we think we have to be, we can embrace the natural duality of life and foster becoming better people. Furthermore, when we don’t recognize, accept and hold this duality, I believe we sow the seeds of fear, bigotry, prejudustice and loathing. When we can’t reconcile that tension in ourselves, we lash out when we see it in others.
And that is exactly what dbd is for me. A place to live the questions a bit more. From those questions I hope to initiate conversations - even if I offend someone. I want this to be a place where people can challenge my perspective, question my ideas and criticize my dumb humor, but in doing so, I want to have honest and sincere back and forth dialogs that allows us to learn and grow.
So was my post disrespectful and in poor taste? It’s not a yes/no question…it’s a both/and answer. Yes AND No is the answer. I think I’ll just leave it as ambiguous as that for now and let us live out that question for awhile.
